One of the biggest struggles that I face daily is choosing the right words to say. I have messed up so many times by saying too little, by saying too much, or by saying something that has been misinterpreted. I love sharing with women and I love to help them in any way I can. The problem I often have however, is knowing when something personal should be shared. I hear so many great teachers and speakers say that your mistakes are your ministry, and that if you have overcome a sin or weakness that you need to share it to help someone else. I don't think this can always apply to someone in a leadership position. It is hard to talk about how you or your husband has overcome(......) when people are looking at you though unrealistic eyes. I have countless stories I could share about God's amazing work he has done on areas of sin in my life, but I am afraid that I will somehow not use the right words and people will not see the true miracle that has occurred. I know that God does not give us a spirit of fear, but I do think he gives us a discernment of when and how we should speak his truth to others.
As I sat at Beth Moore's "Get Out of the Pit" simulcast yesterday, I was given something that seemed to make the scales fall from my eyes(metaphorically speaking) in the "how do I share?" question I have been having. I have issues (pits as Beth refers to) that I have come out of over the last 10 years. While still sitting, God brought a pit to mind that my foot is still stuck in and I started crying thinking that, "It's not fair, I need to be able to talk to someone about this. I need to confess and share without judgement like all these other ladies around me. Just because I am married to a pastor, why can't I feel free in opening up?" As the tears began to well up, I was praying that somehow I would become invisible and no one would see me. Beth looked straight into the camera and said that she knew that there are people in leadership out there, pastor's wives and others that feel that they have no one to talk to. She said I know that you haven't shared because you want to be careful with your words and protect your church and those around you. Then she gave this scripture in Psalms 73 Verses 13-16 which says, "Surely in vain have I kept my heart pure; in vain have I washed my hands in innocence, All day long I have been plagued; I have been punished every morning. (Here's a good part) If I had said, "I will speak thus," I would have betrayed your children. When I tried to understand all this it was oppressive to me."
It is confusing to look at the scripture out of context and not being there to hear it, but I assure you that I understand it so clearly. It was God saying to me, "Child, just bring it to ME! Bring it all to me baby! I understand and I won't judge you one bit. I know your heart. In fact, I created it. And there will be no misrepresentation. I love you and we will take care of this together, just Me and you." Can I just say - Praise God! Praise God! He is such a personal God to me, and I love the way that I can just cry out to Him in my need and He is always there.
I know my sweet 7 yr.old Annie is getting to know her God is there for her too. This morning as she hunched over the porcelain throne with a tummy bug, she cried out, "Mommy it hurts, pray for me, pray for me mommy. " Those are the sweetest words ever to a mother's ears.
After reading over this, the last thing I want is for any of you to feel sorry for me. I do share some pretty deep stuff with two of my best friends-one lives in China and one in Alabama. You know, however, in Texas we gals like to hug who we're talkin to. Amen!